I have been with Bill for 4 years now! We have gone through intense problems, but managed to salvage our relationship. We have kids together, and for the most part, our relationship is improving. Our biggest problem, however, is our sexual relationship! Bill has a strong sexual appetite! He is constantly asking me to have sex with him. I find myself getting angry and resentful every time he approaches me (which is becoming increasingly less frequent). I feel bad that my sex drive is extremely low. I even feel uncomfortable wearing lingerie. I don't ever really feel like pleasing him. I usually just have sex with him to shut him up for a while. I feel bad that I feel this way, because I really love Bill. I want to share a healthy sex life with him, but the truth is, I don't know how too.
What can I do to stimulate my sexuality? And how should I approach this subject with Bill? He thinks the problem is him, when in fact, the problem is me. The majority of the problems in our relationship revolve around this issue.
What can I do to stimulate my sexuality? And how should I approach this subject with Bill? He thinks the problem is him, when in fact, the problem is me. The majority of the problems in our relationship revolve around this issue.
3 comments:
One of the first things you must do is to enlist your husband's help with this. For starters, agree to one night a week on which you will make your best effort. In between he should not bug you about sex, but he must also promise that on those nights, he will start early, move slowly, touch you gently and stop if you feel stuck or begin having negative feelings. A sexual encounter should always be positive, even if it is not completed! I realize that your husband might resent having to wait and then having to stop, but what the two of you have been doing is not working! You need to gain some sense of control over your body.
Sexual desire is like hunger. Some people are ravenous, others anorexic. Your level of desire is to a large degree independent of your nonsexual feelings for your husband. Even if he realizes this, he might resent your lack of sexual interest. Remind him that he would not expect you to eat a three-course meal if you are not hungry. However, you might be willing to snack and, in the process, discover that it is possible to whet your appetite. He will not understand, however, that even if you have good experiences when you start from scratch, your basic level of desire will not change. However, your attitudes will!
The next time you see your gynecologist for your yearly exam, tell him or her about your loss of sexual desire. Ask that physician to measure your testosterone level, as male and female sexual appetite is related to this hormone which is mistakenly though to be present only in men. Also, if you and your husband are unable to work out a strategy in which you can relax and allow your body to slowly become aroused, ask your physician for a referral to a qualified sex therapist.
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